"Sea house", a Tribal dj and cigarettes

For those of you who aren't desperately looking for a place to escape from the usual drudgery of bad ambience and stale coffee "Sea house" might seem like a typing error. Well I can't give you the pleasure of correcting me....well not today. "Sea house" is a newly opened coffehouse up on top of the..........should i give away the location? It was already infiltrated by out of place stiffs last night anyway...so what the hell. Yeah its on top of the Hulhumale' ferry terminal overlooking the sea. Right now it is the perfect place to chill out (chill has been used in the usual context here) although they could have done a better job with the chairs. This wont be for long though, already the usual faces have started to stream in and it wont seem so welcoming after a while. No amount of good lighting and chocochino can block out the pretentious crowd that Male' so proudly houses. If you dont agree with me just try and name one place in Male' that you'd like to hang out in everyday of the week........anbody? i didnt think so. Oh yeah and before i forget.........i've found a another very icky reason to stay clear of Pizzeria. Apparently the seat covers in Pizzeria havent been changed since the opening and to add to that the bangladeshi staff who work there sleep on em. Yes they sweat and drool and do the nasty on em. I am not on the "Sea house" payroll, creating bad publicity for Pizzeria, but just trying to be the good samaritan who saves our teeny population from STD's, mites,rashes and little bangaladeshi bastards popping out of nowhere(word has it that there swimmers live longer than usual).

Tommorow night theres going to be a tribal dj on the "Crab floor" at "Dolphin". Slap me for being so "out" but i had no idea that the floor at Dolphin had a name let alone one as original as the Crab floor(If only they'd serve great crab there-guess the name will just have to do). Tickets are going for 75 i hear, wild horses couldnt stop me from being there on the 2nd. No matter how crabby the floor maybe "Dj. Manal" and "Sector 9"(no no sector 9 isnt a robot they imported from korea to buddy up with Manal its our lil Nai) are gonna be setting the roof on fire. Flashback from the last dj i went to at dolphin...."Porn on big screen-with the techno version of my heart will go on". Porn and Celine dont go very well together people try snoop dogg, Nelly or fittty cents. the poster says "tribal" theme but we all know that the concept of a theme is wasted on the usual crowd. but I'mana put on my grass skirt, coconut shell bra and feather head dress for the night...hehehehe but then i'd have to find a way to climb down from the 9th floor without my mum seeing me. I can just see a picture of me on the front page of "Haveeru' climbing down a rope with the Caption:"Woman from Minikaaraajey chooses death rope over the elevator ". But in all seriousness all of yall please be there with your dancing shoes on.

The price for Ciggies, particularly Camels the only smokable sticks around has been raised by fifty laari. Cmon we all know that people are gonna smoke even if they cost 10 rf a stick.....i mean seriously whose great idea is this. It better not be another plan to leech out money from us for "Save the maumoon" fund. The last president who tried to mess with the smoker population had to really pay for his actions. So i might suggest retracing your steps......

Oh yeah!! its true that i maybe be a prophet or prophetina (like the feminine touch?) cos another one of my dreams came true......scarey shit

TATA

BELLS!!!

Tommorow is gonna be my friend lauza's big wedding day. She used to be the wierdest most thuiest creature on the face of the earth until my sister QT was born (this morning mum walked in on her wearing a crown and snapping pictures early in the morning-god only knows for what occasion) Lauza has the most "unique"voice, if i may say so, out of anyone i have ever met. And she is one of the few who has defied time and distance to have been born and brought up in male' but act and look totally Indian. You have to see it to beleive it, trust me. The theme of the wedding is going to be Indian which is just soo surprising.

But getting down to the point at hand. I've tried to brace myself and listen out for joyous wedding bells but all I can hear at present is a funeral dirge. And i know why, cos i cant stand you know who...I am not going to name the lil Nerd cause i have seen the revenge of the nerds and do not want a taste of what they can do brrrrrrrrr. Guys you know..............no matter how much time passes between school days and the present the Bully-nerd rift still tends to stick. I havent ever attacked him or anything but theres that chemistry(i hope y'all are feeling me on this). Lauza has had a series of geeks in her lifetime enough to haunt her for 7 seven life times, Afthim to name one (sympathy hook up number 3) but this time she has decided to walk the walk with one. (quas you made me do this-if i am going down you are going down with me).

Come the evening of 29th january 2007 one very wierd lil nerd is going to be ecstatic. I hope this is going to be the last time that anyone of my friends will bridge the way for a nerd to crossover to our world. (idhee if you read this post dont love me less umah- i can be a bit of a bitch). Maybe i am just being protective of a close friend......shucks who am i kidding i just dont approve of him. I was invited for the wedding ceremony but i am scared to go. What if i take my stand when they say....if anyone has a reason why these two should not be united in holy wedlock(or whatever they say in male'. I could give birth to the Fullooniyaamagu ripper. Shit! and he is on the road to being a doctor, all the more reason for me not to write this. buuttttt caannnntttt ccoooonnttrroollll the floooowwwwww urrrghhhhh!!!

The really twisted thing about this article is the fact that:

I am the maid of honour.

And I'ma be the only mourner

Cos its just too hard to take in

a real disaster in the makin

I am treading on really thin ice but I just had to do this. Somethings in life are just worth the risk. Now i am going to just stop myself before i go overboard with this.

Zipppppppppppppp

Talking Dirty- from the memoirs of a sex guru(me)

Before I start up with the whole talking durrty topic i just wanna let you all in on the fact that a harrassment law has been passed in Male'. And as a result my sister Rania who gets complimented insulted and oogled over is going to be filthy rich. But sadly we cant get away with calling the cops names and ever since the law was passed there are a shit load of cops on the roads. Next thing you know they'll be wearing name tags with Golhaabo on it.(Yes, Maumoon is more provocative than Madonna in her like a virgin days ). So be careful my niggas......

Talking Durrty really fuels up all sexual activity. Some of us might feel like its lame but it really heats things up. Talking durrty involves telling your partner(baiveriyaa-i just had to say that) how you feel when he/she does something for you, where to move next, what you'd like to do for him/her. Beequas eventhough you are my biggest fan and your bound to find this entry to be TMI i know you'll still read it so i'll try to tone it down a bit and be less graphical.

Recently i have been talking dirrty and the sex has become explosive. It feels like starring in your own porn production. And we all love porn especially those of us involved in Herbal medicine.....say Naja. (Oh my sisters baby was trying to say popcorn and ended up saying Porn instead and quas you missed it). Talking dirrty will only work if your partner reciprocates. Otherwise you'll just end up looking really stupid. But if your mouth is busy and your on the brink of an orgasm theres no need to interrupt the flow just making a noise would do. The consequences of interrupting a climax could prove to be fatal......beleive you me.

So please dont knock it till you've tried it...........

I will make more entries on how to improve your sex life in the future, all for the betterment of the Maldivian society. I have seen most of the mainstream porn and it really doesnt do anything for me or anyone i know. So guys if your doing it ,why dont you do it right?......

Make love not War people

and Ameen if your a fan please dont be shy, just comment on my entries will ya

Ronan! I hate you

Its been a while since i last updated my blog. I've been caught up with work and my boyfriend(i did not write this sentence to show off that i have a boyfriend-eventhough i have a superior smile on my face-In your face single people). But please do keep reading.

How could he? that Tyrant. I was just going to chillax and watch some quality music videos when all of a sudden this white beach came on screen, and then a lil speck of a man started singing something that's truly going to be the end of him. Ronan Keating sang Iris orginally performed by the googoo dolls for the movie City of Angels. And it was the gayest most disgraceful cover in the history of mankind. Who gave him the right to violate such a beautiful piece of work. i had to wash my ears with surgical spirit to remove the excess crap it left behind. And to make things worse he even made a gay lil video. As a result i have been forced to wear glasses now....woe is me!!! I really am very dissapointed in the man who signed over the copy rights for such a horrific act.

I was a bit ticked off about the Barry manilow remake but could have lived with it. i mean he can keep singing all he wants in his gay corner of the earth i bare no ill will towards people like him. But Iris grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...bite bite scratch scratch..........(somebody sedate me). You cant blame me for overreacting cos i willy willy love that song........I am worried i might love it less now.......noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only due punishment i can think of for Ronan is to remove the lifts from his shoes, make Baree sing one of his songs and let Suneetha and Azey star in the video wearing catsuits and watch it on big screen over and over and over.................

There is simply no other solution for this abomination. period

THE SHINING

Two days back i dreamt that one of my Great Aunty's died......i told my mum bout it and this morning mum called to tell me that same Aunt was in the ICU(which means i'll see you). If that is not divine intuition i dont know what is...This is not the first time that i've had such revelations. Oddly enough last night i dreamt of Yoope(yes the movie star hehehehe) flipping his Oh! so real straight hair back and telling me about the tides. I hope this dream never comes true. I simply cannot live in a world where intelligent people star in dhivehi movies(I'll check into the ICU before that).

Leaving the dreams aside, most of the time when i really want something to go a certain way it ends up working out for me. My Mama did say that all doors on earth would open for the devils play mates. So it kinda scares me as well. She also said that only the pure can sense whats in the offing. So i guess i am a saint and a sinner- all in one.

But i gotta hand it to you normal folks it is rather scarey to have powers like mine(trying to be as modest as i can here). Nothing ever comes as a surpise heheh.... Donald trump I know your planning on buying me a Ferrari-just a tip my dear i dunno how to drive so chip in for the driver as well, wont set you back at all.

If anyone of yall have any powers lemme know so we can make a league of extraordinary dudes.

xxxxxxxx0000xxxxxxx

FILTRATION

Eventhough i am all for partying and sex i am very much against prostitution and gang banging. (fan of strippers though and porn) All you ho's out there eventhough you are a much needed part of every society please keep your activities at a low. And please wear less normal clothes to help distinguish ladies from sluts. i aint gonna resort to mideival solutions and ask you to wear a scarlet letter. Instead you could go for fish nets(plentiful here since we are a fishin nation) and loud colours like red, yellow..........stage make up and so on. Cos pig in the form of men are disrespecting all of us. Hootin at us from the roadside grabbing our hands. Since you girls like to be grabbed and groped for a lil sum' in sum' in make yourselves known, so the rest of us can walk around freely.

This subject also brings me back to an old topic the "hijaab". some folks over here think that whoever doesnt wear the damn thing is walking around naked asking to be fucked. When in nature fact most of the concubines here wear it to hide hickies and unwanted buns in the oven. well people can think whatever they hell they want. It becomes my problem when they call you up and stalk you in the hopes of some action.

so all you girls aspiring to become hookers, call girls or high class escorts please think twice cos your actions will reflect on all women kind....i just get sooooo worked up when i hear some people say "HUS BAdin"its not fair to us tight ass bitches who wont put out for every john............

My Nicks

Nope!! nope!! i do not regard Nick carter or Nick cage as my own i just wanted to talk bout nick names....

I used to hate my actual nick name "kanbu", short for "don kanbulo"(for those of you who aren't maldivian i am not a mafia drug lord don- means fair and kanbulo is sorta like sweet girl..baah )cos its so uncool. And i am neither fair nor sweet. I guess my mum's a big fan of irony. My dad used to call me hussein up until my boobs became too obvious, cos he thought i was gonna be born a boy...but thats another story all together. All my bro's and sista's have such cool nick names, qt, bb, abe, fana, nani.......... but i thank god for "kanbu" now cos my older brother had wanted to call me dhothooo (how could i have lived with that). ABE- if you are readin this, please let someone else name your child if you want the child to have a peaceful life.

My baby Idy calls me baby and faraataa(very orginal i know). Abe calls me pest now...beequas calls me BOO...fine calls me dhaba...faxoo dubbed me NEE (which kinda took sometime to grow on me). Hashim calls me Nisaanu....Tia calls me Bicholo.....strangers call me nisHa with the extra H...yana doesnt call me anything yet (we have a few issues).....kids on radio and JILL call me Nisatha...shaal calls me naal....naja calls me poochy puff......toy calls me Taz...Sein calls me queen size.....thitha calls me bulo....it willy doesnt bother me at all anymore.. cos i know that they'd only take the time to come up with these names cos they Love me.....n i love you back all the same.....so be creative.....

Peace Out

BTW THE DP U C THERE IS THE WORK OF KUBS

Ode to Actifed syrup

Half a bottle of Actifed syrup

guaranteed to stir things up

Worried that a chesty cough might bring you down

Down this syrup it'll take you for a ride 'round town

so if your looking for a safe way to get high

Fellas, wave all your worries goodbye

Cos actified syrup is here for you

Dont just buy one buy two

(that is if you can beat me to the pharmacy)

by: Nisa Latheef